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Whatever It Is… It STILL Ain’t Love

San Diego — Over a year ago I wrote a post titled, “Whatever it is… It Ain’t Love” which I would encourage anyone in, or getting into, a relationship to read.  to my surprise it got more responses and hits than virtually anything else I’ve written. Here is the URL to find it: (https://ndkphotoblog.wordpress.com/?s=Whatever+it+is).  If you click on the link, that older post will appear BELOW this one so you can scroll down to read it then scroll back up here for this one.  Please read it first if you have not done so.  Both the older post and this post is really written for ladies but little boys (of all ages) could learn a few things from it as well (real men already know them…).

It seems that once again a recent discussion has brought me back to this topic of love and behavior.  This time a young female student told me of a would-be suitor who texted her a couple of questionable lines.  Now bear in mind this is from someone with whom she is not currently in a relationship.  He first told her he “needed” her.  So first let me set you all straight about this “need” thing.

“Need” and “Love” are not only NOT the same thing, they are deadly enemies.  “Love” is primarily focused on the other party; but “need” is primarly focused on one’s self.  “Need” in the context of a relationshp is not a statement of affection but a statement of insecurity, immaturity, and serious emotional and psychological dysfunction.  It quickly becomes a truly dysfunctional version of co-dependency where the person doing the “needing” soon not only needs the other, but quickly needs to be needed themselves BY the other.  And this quickly evolves (if it hasn’t already) into jealousy – again an emotion whose main component is not affection but insecurity and a complete failure of trust.  And jealousy devolves further into controlling behavior and all to often into physical abuse and the ultimate delusional rationale:  “I beat you for your own good…”

No, ladies, you cannot and will not change them at that point.  The truth is that if you are on the receiving end of that warped sense of need, you can never be enough or do enough to satisfy someone else’s “need” because the need will grow as it is being fed.  Someone in control mode can never be truly satisfied with voluntary compliance but must now and then push that control to where it will naturally be resisted and tested so they can assert, however it has to be done, their ability to be in control even if, sometimes tragically, it means killing the other as the ultimate act of control.  Does that sound like a good life to you?

So if someone says they “need” you… run.

But this clueless loser Lothario went even farther and poured out that he wanted to “kiss (her) so hard…”

What?

Let me be clear here: real affection is not a test of physical strength.  Trying to drill your lips through someone’s face not only does not express anything other than one’s own immaturity and focus on self; it not only is a clear attempt at control through physical presence, it blocks him from following the second rule noted in the previous post, that is, “Paying Attention.”

Proper kissing is a two player game.  I hate those idiotic “kissy kissy” pecks on the cheek or worse, the lip smacking pretense of a kiss a la Miss Piggy, or even worse yet, the “Dead Grandmother Kiss” where it is happening, though barely, out of some sense of duty or protocol.  Please, PULEEZE, spare me those.  They are one-party kisses and at the core, phony.  If you want to kiss me then mean it and do it, otherwise just shake my hand and walk away… or just walk away.  I will get the message.

And if the texter twit in question is stupidly given a chance to try and is trying to apply more pressure to his artless kiss, thinking in his hormone soaked tiny little brain it is showing his affection, then, again, that is a one-party kiss; it is all about him and not about the lady OR the kiss.  Kissing is not the facial equivalent of arm wrestling! You do not capitulate and fall in love because of more lip pressure.  Anyone who thinks of it in terms of winners and losers guarantees that both lose.

Here’s why HE loses. If I’m concentrating on trying to impress someone with the strength of my neck and lip muscles I’m going to miss the important parts of the activity.  I will miss sensing whether or not the two of us are involved in this kiss; I’ll miss sensing when she responds and when not.   I’ll miss the clues of her breathing and respiration rate, I’ll be absorbed in MY efforts to demonstrate something with no existence through an exercise of no value and not likely even feel her lips on mine.  I’ll probably not then kiss her forehead and sense any temperature change, or kiss her neck and not sense any change in heart beat.   I’ll probably be oblivious to her hands and whether they are drawing me close or trying to push me away as she gasps for air.

In short I’ll miss out on all of the wonders a kiss can bestow when two are doing it… not just one.  Even more sadly I’ll miss out on the connection, the potent emotional moment when two people are warm and safe in each other’s arms and touch two of the more sensitive parts of the body (yes, yes, I know about the others but that is not a post for a family hour…) and let feelings and cares flow through them.  Those kisses are not “hard” kisses but gentle ones, loving ones.

And ladies if you have not figured out by now how YOU lose, then I’m not sure what to tell you…

I do not know where this idiotic, counter-productive concept of “Macho” comes from but I do know it is not from real inner strength.  I’ve known some truly tough, strong, powerful men in my life (and no, I’m not claiming to be one of them) but all of them were so self-assured they had no reason to prove anything to anybody.  That confidence allowed them to be incredibly gentle.  They had no need of posturing and display, they had no need of controlling others; that type of immature activity belongs to the cadre of the aspiring not to the company of the attained.  Only the insecure person feels a need to prove themselves.

And back to the field of affection and love.  If someone truly loves you, they cannot prove it by physical display, it can only be demonstrated by behavior and only the behavior that flows naturally from respecting someone, honoring someone, and being honored by their company.  It is only behavior grounded in support and encouragement not the behavior grounded in a self need to control that demonstrates real affection.

So, ladies, do you know why idiotic boys, especially those boys in mens’ bodies, act like such jerks?

It is your fault.

They do it because you allow it, facilitate it, and perpetuate it with your acceptance of it and your perennial search for excuses for it.  If it became clear that women were repelled by such behavior and treatment, it would change.  Not overnight, to be sure, but over time.

If all of you or even most of you acted like and then demanded – and I mean truly DEMANDED – to be treated like ladies not like professional women of the street, and snubbed those jerks who kept up the tired old macho bullshit, men would slowly get the message.  Slowly because they have had so many years of modeling by other jerk men and training by stupid women that went along with it because at one point in history the women may have had little choice.  But now they do have a choice.

Men like to act as if THEY are in control and their physical strength may let them get away with abusive tactics for a while, but in the end, except for a few sociopaths (and psychopaths) that are emotionally crippled and will never “get” it, guys want love too.  You ladies may not realize it but to a very large degree you are in the driver’s seat here.

And that is the way I was raised to think it should be. On the relationship bus, I was taught that the woman drives. Ladies, YOU get to set the ground rules; YOU get to build or tear down the walls, YOU get to make the choices of acceptable behavior… but ONLY if you demand it.  As a male I can tell you there are times when that is cosmically frustrating, especially if it is not a route I would choose.  But if I really care about the lady, if I truly honor and respect and care about her and her feelings, and especially if I really love her, it is how it should be.

Bottom line ladies, is this: whatever IT is that is expressed by a statement of “need” or whatever emotion a desire to “kiss you hard” may be, it is NOT about YOU…  but about them.

And it sure as Hell is STILL not about love.

 
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Posted by on April 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Death Is Not On Holiday

San Diego— This has been a good month and perhaps year for Death.  In addition to reaping the souls of those whose time had legitimately come, this has been a banner time for collecting those whose departure from this mortal coil was premature.

The news has been in a state of near rapture over so many untimely deaths to report and wax philosophical under a veil of crocodile tears.  Like traffic slow ups as people drive by accidents hoping for their morbid glimpse of blood and gore so they can then go their way clucking about how awful it was, the new seems to gleefully look forward to the next report of some horrid miscarriage of life.

From Afghanistan to France,  Florida to Chicago to L.A., we’ve recently seen a spate of untimely passings; people whose lives, in terms of sheer years, were nowhere ready to die but instead had a potential of productive exciting lives yet ahead of them. But Death came for them anyway… it did not care about those hopes or dreams or potentials.  The only thing “fair” about Death is that sooner or later it will come calling for us all.

Being a card-carrying old fart I’m now at that spot I used to observe in older relatives where instead of a Facebook source, the obit column had more of your friends’ pictures.  To me, because of the connections, when a friend dies it is still untimely and too soon.  Too many rivers left to run, too many jokes left to laugh at, too many stories left untold, too many loves left unloved, too many options now closed forever all add up to a long list of things unfair, or so it seems.

But much as we may wish it, even with advances in medical procedures, we’ve not found a way to stop crazed behavior, keep idiot savages from driving airplanes into buildings, remove unfounded but very real paranoia and fear from our lives.  Death is far from being out of options when it comes to creative ways to remove friends, family, and others from life when they had so much to live for.

And the bottom line is that you truly do not have even the slightest guarantee that when you say goodbye on any given day to a friend, parent, child, student, teacher, boss, employee, and watch them walk away that you will ever see them again alive.  Perhaps if we said our goodbyes with the sincerity and passion we would do if we KNEW that person was leaving to their likely death, we could instill more love and more security and start to chip away at some of those inexplicable and psychotic-seeming behaviors that the newspapers love to write about.

Perhaps if we greeted them with the same open gladness and joy we would have if we KNEW they had just narrowly escaped death, we could really start closing that circle of bizarre behaviors leading to inexplicable killings from otherwise “normal” folks.

The truth is, whether we know it or not, we all probably narrowly escape death many times every day.  A momentary distraction, a second’s earlier or later start, another’s hesitation or anxiety, all making that moment of death pass by slightly in front or slightly behind us go unnoticed and the life we walked away with completely unappreciated.  When we knowlingly “dodge the bullet” we show a gratitude for life we rarely show even though we unknowlingly dodge one with some frequency.

So hug your friends and families, let them know you love them even if at the moment you are not so sure about it.  You never know what that simple passionately positive greetings or goodbye might change for the better.

Life is a gift we have for a very limited time.  Since no one has returned to tell us differently, Death takes us on a very, very, very long ride forever.  Each moment we breathe is given to us to make a difference; not in the broader world perhaps, but at least in our own little worlds.  Is that difference you will make, whether you intend it or not, one you wish to be remembered by?  If that person you are greeting or bidding adieu were to die before you saw them again, what memory of you would you like for them to have as they fade away?

 
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Posted by on March 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Another Reason to Tell People They Matter to You

San Diego – I’ve written before that one of the problems with getting old is the increasing frequency with which old friends and acquaintances take leave of this mortal shell and pass on to whatever awaits on the other side.  Their travels and travails have been all performed and they are now released from those marching orders.

That leaves those of us remaining behind to make sense of it as it applies to us.  This past weekend I received an obit telling of the passing of one of my old teachers.  Mrs. M was one of my High School English teachers and one of those for whom I have the fondest memories.  It was due almost exclusively to her endless sentence diagramming and forced reading of musty old tomes that I have whatever writing ability I may now possess.

Her daughter, was, in my opinion, the prettiest girl in all of Blue Springs High School, probably in all of Jackson County and without doubt one of the nicest.  To say I was attracted to her would be akin to saying I was attracted to breathing. But she was so far out of my league as to seem like some sort of local royalty.  She was, of course, courted by the hot shot athletes and though nice to me I never got beyond the dreaming point of asking her out because I just knew I would be turned down and having, as most high school males, the ultimate in fragile egos i was not willing to risk it.  I was sure that my being a little farm kid in her eyes placed me on the same social position that a Brahmin would view an Untouchable.  She was, I now confess, the source of many good teen-age fantasies but that was the unfortunate end of it.

Her mother, Mrs. M was, it turned out, a complex study, at once wonderful and encouraging to her students like me but less so to her family.  She had been ill for years and her daughter gave up everything to be there for her and care for her as best she could until finally and only recently the illness grew to such a state that she had to be cared for by professionals full time and in a proper facility. There needs to be a special nook in Heaven for people like her daughter who put their own lives on hold to care for others in need — sometimes in spite of a past that would drive steel wedges between others and in the face of the refusal of other family members to share in the burden.

The lesson that Mrs. M finally leaves me with is a variation of something I’ve spoken of before.  In her last few years, her memory and mind failed utterly and at times she did not even know who her own daughter was.  Whatever past behaviors needed to be addressed were now out of reach; whatever emotions that needed to be said were now beyond her comprehension.  That door was closed in both directions.  So even though she was alive and otherwise in reasonable heath for someone in their 90s, her ability to connect with those around her was gone.  And it was gone for them as well.

I usually think and pound away on the idea of telling people you care about them before they, or you, are swept up at the curb by that cosmic bus and pass away.  But sometimes, in perhaps the cruelest fate of all, you (or they) are left alive but rendered unable to resolve those things as surely as if you were gone.  The person is there… but not there.  In someways, that spark that made you what you were is truly gone leaving a shell that is a maddeningly cruel physical replica of the person that is no longer there.  And in cases like this, rather than being suddenly swept away, the process of loss is so subtle, so insidious, that no one realizes it (or denies it) until it is too late.  And then it is as too late and beyond recovery as if one were truly dead.

So, once again, even if you and they are in the very peak of health, if you care about someone, are thankful for their place in your life, don’t wait to tell them… tell them now.  Don’t wait until the time is right or you can free up the time or whatever excuse is holding you back.  Tell them now while you can.  And tell them every chance you get because it may turn out, that will be your last chance to do so.

So good bye Mrs. M.  Be at peace.  Thank you for all you taught me.

But it also taught me something else, maybe as importantly.  The obit uttered not a word about her lifetime of teaching.  It showed, as if low pay did not already, where teachers stand in our society.  Everytime I may get cocky thinking that as a teacher something will be remembered of that, I will think about the obit for Mrs M and realize whatever reward will come, comes on the spot, in the moment, and from the internal sense of accomplishment I receive trying to help students.

My own obit will probably be even shorter.  Hopefully some students will remember as I remember Mrs. M, but society as a whole has reached a point where teachers are of far less value than athletes and movie stars and celebrities.  Our contributions to the culture and society are deemed worthy of less recompense that those who play games for a living or pretend to be other people.  And there can be no denying it: our society shows its value of people monetarily.

It is a sobering thought.  Thankfully for me it changes nothing.

 
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Posted by on June 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Whatever It Is… It Ain’t Love…

This discussion has been a long time coming.  Periodically something would happen among friends and I would think about it but never actually followed through.   But in the past couple of months, several of my friends that are female have told me tales of their treatment by men that are so far from the mores of the culture in which I grew up as to leave me with little point of reference.  I’ve been blessed to number among my friends a number of female friends who are dynamic, intelligent, powerful ladies.  All of the women in my family were like that and they were the critical models for my sense of what females are really all about.  To see time after time how these really amazing people have been disrespected, lied to, used, abused, and hurt by men they trusted and gave their hearts to is maddening.   Finally some critical mass has been reached and I’m going to put down my thoughts on it and direct some choice comments to other members of my gender and then a few to the other gender.

Perhaps back in pre-historic days up through medieval times it was socially OK to treat women like beasts of burden or simply a sub-par type of humanoid whose only valid role was to “service” men and stroke their egos and keep the species going.    But except for certain cultural backwaters and individual morons rising to astronomical heights of insecurity and immaturity, the time finally and belatedly arrived when women were seen for the inner power and incredible asset they really were.  And as their stature rose, a new definition of “Love” was allowed to bloom: the idea that to love someone meant to respect, honor, and cherish them because they completed you.  This ideal was not to be confused simply with “lust” and certainly not with ‘ownership’ in any sense of the word.  Saying you love your lady ought to mean far more than saying you love your car or even that you love your dog.

Nor was “love” related in anyway to someone’s “need” because that is an inward directed problem of a person’s own insecurity and low self esteem and not of any outward directed affection.  it was not the swooning drama of the victorians brought on more by tight corsets than a tight grip on emotions.  Nor was it the fawning trauma of maudlin gothic romances nor the idiocy of movies saying it means “never having to say you are sorry” when in reality it makes you ready to acknowledge error and profess sorrow for mistakes.   It is not the desperate controlling of a dysfunctional and uber-needy co-dependent personality nor the manipulative machinations of someone seeking to use the other.  Rather, love, real love, is about respect and trust.

From respect flows honesty and integrity, an honoring of the loved one for their willingness to spend another moment with you because that same honesty, turned inward, forces you to realize you really do not deserve such a blessing.  And from trust comes release to allow them to grow and flourish and become all THEY want to be and can be not just all YOU want them to be especially if that really means to be a servant to you.  If you truly, deeply love someone then your life in relation to them is governed by two simple rules:  (1) SHOW UP and (2) PAY ATTENTION.

To “Show Up”  means you will be there for them whether or not it is what you would really like to do at the time.  if it is important to them then love will make it important to you that you do all in your power to support them in their passions and desires.

To “Pay Attention” means you will be so “into” them and their personas that you will be able to detect even the subtle clues that reveal when they are unhappy or lonely or in need of a hug and support.  Trust me on this one guys because I know what I am talking about here.  I failed in both of these rules and lost the most important thing in my life back then.  Especially at my age now I don’t really expect to ever get that replaced and I am far the poorer for it.

Sadly the term “love” is tossed around quite loosely these days.  Everyone talks about how they just love so and so… but they don’t mean it literally.  For the most part they have no clue what that actually means.   It is said that men profess love to get sex and women provide sex to get love but in neither of those cases is the love real.  If you hurt or lie to or act in any disrespectful way toward your lady and yet tell her you love her then the truth is that  you are a liar.  You’re not mistaken, you’re not confused, you’re not just weak.  You are lying, pure and simple. You are lying certainly to her and probably to yourself as well.  And any relationship built on such a cracked foundation will not last, barring mutual dysfunction gone to seed, for very long.  Because the sad truth is that to build a truly deep profound lifelong relationship, love alone, even real love, is a critical element but is not enough.  If it is not built on the foundation of real friendship then it is a sham and will end badly.  So how can you tell?  It is very simple: how do you act toward them?  At least for a moment be honest with yourself here and answer these questions…

Do you lie?  Do you cheat?  Do you use them?  Do you hurt them in ANY way (physically, emotionally, psychologically) and keep doing it even after you have been made aware of it?  Do you discourage them, much less keep them from pursuing their own passions and growth?  Do you try to control their lives and actions?  Do you not trust them to be true to you?  Do you impose your values, needs, wants, even discipline on her and claim it is for her own good?  Do you think that because she is “just a girl” she will be too stupid to see through your actions?  If you do any one of these things alone, much less several of them, then whatever it is you are feeling toward her it is not love and it is not a friendship being formed because those things simply are not done by someone who truly loves and truly offers friendship.  No, they aren’t.  Using the words doesn’t make it real.

There is no maneuvering room here Buster, no room to try to weasel out of it.  No fast talking, charismatic personality, roguish smiles, or cute boyish charms can change the truth of it to your favor.  It is a non-negotiable issue.  Bottom line: if you do thses things — or any of them — then you cannot, by definition, truly love the person you do them to.  Real love simply won’t allow it.  If you have to say you are sorry for the same action more than once then you are not sorry at all (except that you might have been caught) and therefore you are lying and someone truly in love simply is not capable of that.  That is not to say that you might, in some way care a little about them and like them and lust after them… but you do not love them.  Loving them would prohibit such actions. So quit tarnishing the word and making it as cheap and meaningless as you are.

So you may sail through life playing your little macho games, high-fiving your buds, and bragging about your conquests like some high school retard with a grade school mentality and think you just have it made.  Man, you think you are sooooo cool.  A legend in your own mind.  Why, woman after woman has passed through your life and bed to various ends and isn’t that what the books and movies and TV seem to imply is what men should be after?  Isn’t that what was meant by the tee-shirt that said, “So Many women, So Little Time!”?

Let me disabuse you of that notion, and, again, as one who was there (I’m very sorry to say).  Lust satisfied is great, to be sure; but being deeply in love with the woman in your arms who deeply loves you back is beyond wonderful; it will take your spirit to highs no drug can hope to match.  If a woman’s body is simply a toy for you to play with yourself get a blow up doll… or a sheep… they will be less damaged by your childishness.   Quit playing around with an adult body in a boy’s mind; grow up, and learn to really love that lady or cut her lose instead of ruining one more day of her life.  If you really do love her, and mean it, and live it, and show it (which will all happen naturally if the love is real), I promise you life will get really good and you will quickly wonder why you didn’t come to your senses long before.

And to you ladies, before you think I am aiming only at men, think again.  If you are out there wondering why on earth someone you love would treat you as they do, let me give you some hard-edged facts as well.  They do it because they do not know any better and no, you are not going to ever be able to teach them or change them unless you were able to start on them at a very young age.  The Bible was dead on when it said that if you raise up a child in the ways he should go when he is old he will not depart from it.  It was true for a mud-hut society and it is true for our industrial one as well.  But it works the other way too.  Raise up a child in a ways that are hurtful and dysfunctional and when he is old he will not depart from them either.

Men become jerks because they had male jerks as important male models and that is all they know.  They learn the right words from each other, the smooth moves from equally sleazy fathers, family, friends, or skin magazine, get their training on techniques from the web’s sleazy videos, and not a bit of it is real or has the slightest emotional connection or meaning for them.  It may not entirely be their fault.  Scott peck wrote that we are all victims of victims; but it doesn’t matter, they are who they are.  The best they have to offer you comes at the very first when they are on the prowl.  But as they grow in comfort and feel in control in the relationship, it is all downhill and you cannot turn it around or make them into something they are not: that is a fantasy that will never come true.  no matter how deep your love for them the sad fact is that love will not change them because it, to them, has no meaning or relevance in their lives or thinking except as a word that works manipulative wonders.

For the jerk, however, their monstrous approach works.  Because they have such low expectations they are rarely disappointed.  And because the lady facilitates it and allows it they assume with some reason that the lady must like it.  And they are having fun.  And the lady claims to also be having a good time and expresses love in return.  Why would a jerk who saw that played out as a child and is now living it and getting all they think is of value, think anything is wrong with that?  And if you try to show them real love they just think it is because of how they have acted to that point.  it is a trap for you with no good ending.

The good news is that there are some really good guys out there who were brought up with good values and a core respect for women in general.  Not many perhaps, but some.   But accept this as gospel or deny it at your own peril: any man that will hurt you in ANY way, no matter how sorry they say they are, will do it again.  A man that will lie to you once will do it again.  A man that will lie FOR you will have no problem lying TO you.  Men are not “wired” the same as women.  If he will cheat WITH you he will readily cheat ON you.  You can try to rationalize it that it is just not that big a deal to him and therefore not truly meaningful… after all he did come back to you.  I’m sorry but if you think that your reality check just bounced.  Is it important to YOU?  is it hurtful to YOU, painful to YOU.  if so then if — IF — he truly loves you it will be important to him too.  If he wants to leave the comfort of the home you provided, your care, you, then he can do that honestly.  If he lies and cheats he does not, CAN NOT love you at the same time because that love, if real, would keep him from allowing himself to hurt you.

Read that paragraph of questions above for men starting with “Do you lie?”  If the man in your life does ANY of those things he does not, will not, and cannot love you.  Here is what should be a chilling truth.  Despite what they say, and despite the temporary euphoria they feel after having sex, down in their core these men do not like, much less think highly of women.  Most of them, if you could only hear them talk among themselves, think women are stupid or hysterics, hormone driven manic-depresssives that are simply not comprehensible by rational beings such as themselves… so why bother.  Pat them on the rear, now and then do something nice to confuse them, and use them as long as you can.  You may think i’m kidding here but unfortunately I am not.

In their minds the male jerks expects that in the end you will turn on him as those before have done and because of their old modeling and upbringing it will never occur to them it is their own fault.  So they will blame you for all of the ills in the relationship including how they “had” to hurt you for your own good or because you made them do it (by not being the patsy and slave they demanded).  Are you already getting blamed for problems?  Do they already get angry when you ask of them some small thing far less than you give to them constantly?  Stand by, it is only going to get worse.

Men do not take oaths lightly; if that oath of fidelity they gave before God and one they claimed to love will not bind them then no other promise will bind them either.  A man will be honest and faithful and good to those he truly respects; if he lies to you or is unfaithful to you or hurts you or thinks you are stupid then he does not respect you.  Period.  End of story.  And if he does not respect you he cannot possibly love you.  Carve that line in your heart: if a man does not respect you then he cannot love you because men cannot help but show respect to the people they truly love.  When it comes to 95% of men, words are simply tools and sometimes weapons.   It is only sustained, consistent actions and behaviors that are reliable clues to their real feelings.

Because as a culture we have generally thrown away our core values and standards, we are left with a hole in our spirits that makes us often feel alone and adrift.  It is terrible and unfortunately makes us think that the hole can be filled with the company of someone professing to care about us so we gravitate to those charismatic smooth talkers that seem to promise an end to the loneliness and stopping the drift.  But it won’t work.  it wouldn’t work even if the expression of care were real because that is a solution to a different problem.  But when those slick words are false, it not only won’t fill the void, it creates new ones that are even worse.  Loneliness is joined by the equally nasty siblings of betrayal and hurt.

So give it up;  don’t make any more excuses for them, don’t cover for them, don’t forgive them even one more time, just move on and get on with your own life.  Because if you do not, it will only get worse.  Is that truly what you want out of your life?  Is your self esteem so low and your self loathing so great that you would allow one of these jerks to control you much less hurt you?  Get over it, get out… while you can.  Because what you feel, the reason you keep giving for accepting the nonsense and the abuse, or for returning to it over and over, is not love either.  You can call it whatever makes you feel better about it as an excuse but the fact is that you cannot truly love another if you cannot love yourself and you cannot love yourself and accept such treatment and disrespect.  You may have some deep psychological itch that the abuse scratches but quit calling it love; it is not.   You may be co-dependent and desperately need someone to love you so much that even hearing an abuser say they love you satisfies the need at least for a while.  But that is not love.  And by staying with it, returning to it, accepting it, all you are doing is facilitating it and saying in a perverse sort of way that it is OK.

It is not OK.  And it sure as Hell is not Love.

 
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Posted by on February 10, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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