San Diego — Over a year ago I wrote a post titled, “Whatever it is… It Ain’t Love” which I would encourage anyone in, or getting into, a relationship to read. to my surprise it got more responses and hits than virtually anything else I’ve written. Here is the URL to find it: (https://ndkphotoblog.wordpress.com/?s=Whatever+it+is). If you click on the link, that older post will appear BELOW this one so you can scroll down to read it then scroll back up here for this one. Please read it first if you have not done so. Both the older post and this post is really written for ladies but little boys (of all ages) could learn a few things from it as well (real men already know them…).
It seems that once again a recent discussion has brought me back to this topic of love and behavior. This time a young female student told me of a would-be suitor who texted her a couple of questionable lines. Now bear in mind this is from someone with whom she is not currently in a relationship. He first told her he “needed” her. So first let me set you all straight about this “need” thing.
“Need” and “Love” are not only NOT the same thing, they are deadly enemies. “Love” is primarily focused on the other party; but “need” is primarly focused on one’s self. “Need” in the context of a relationshp is not a statement of affection but a statement of insecurity, immaturity, and serious emotional and psychological dysfunction. It quickly becomes a truly dysfunctional version of co-dependency where the person doing the “needing” soon not only needs the other, but quickly needs to be needed themselves BY the other. And this quickly evolves (if it hasn’t already) into jealousy – again an emotion whose main component is not affection but insecurity and a complete failure of trust. And jealousy devolves further into controlling behavior and all to often into physical abuse and the ultimate delusional rationale: “I beat you for your own good…”
No, ladies, you cannot and will not change them at that point. The truth is that if you are on the receiving end of that warped sense of need, you can never be enough or do enough to satisfy someone else’s “need” because the need will grow as it is being fed. Someone in control mode can never be truly satisfied with voluntary compliance but must now and then push that control to where it will naturally be resisted and tested so they can assert, however it has to be done, their ability to be in control even if, sometimes tragically, it means killing the other as the ultimate act of control. Does that sound like a good life to you?
So if someone says they “need” you… run.
But this clueless loser Lothario went even farther and poured out that he wanted to “kiss (her) so hard…”
Let me be clear here: real affection is not a test of physical strength. Trying to drill your lips through someone’s face not only does not express anything other than one’s own immaturity and focus on self; it not only is a clear attempt at control through physical presence, it blocks him from following the second rule noted in the previous post, that is, “Paying Attention.”
Proper kissing is a two player game. I hate those idiotic “kissy kissy” pecks on the cheek or worse, the lip smacking pretense of a kiss a la Miss Piggy, or even worse yet, the “Dead Grandmother Kiss” where it is happening, though barely, out of some sense of duty or protocol. Please, PULEEZE, spare me those. They are one-party kisses and at the core, phony. If you want to kiss me then mean it and do it, otherwise just shake my hand and walk away… or just walk away. I will get the message.
And if the texter twit in question is stupidly given a chance to try and is trying to apply more pressure to his artless kiss, thinking in his hormone soaked tiny little brain it is showing his affection, then, again, that is a one-party kiss; it is all about him and not about the lady OR the kiss. Kissing is not the facial equivalent of arm wrestling! You do not capitulate and fall in love because of more lip pressure. Anyone who thinks of it in terms of winners and losers guarantees that both lose.
Here’s why HE loses. If I’m concentrating on trying to impress someone with the strength of my neck and lip muscles I’m going to miss the important parts of the activity. I will miss sensing whether or not the two of us are involved in this kiss; I’ll miss sensing when she responds and when not. I’ll miss the clues of her breathing and respiration rate, I’ll be absorbed in MY efforts to demonstrate something with no existence through an exercise of no value and not likely even feel her lips on mine. I’ll probably not then kiss her forehead and sense any temperature change, or kiss her neck and not sense any change in heart beat. I’ll probably be oblivious to her hands and whether they are drawing me close or trying to push me away as she gasps for air.
In short I’ll miss out on all of the wonders a kiss can bestow when two are doing it… not just one. Even more sadly I’ll miss out on the connection, the potent emotional moment when two people are warm and safe in each other’s arms and touch two of the more sensitive parts of the body (yes, yes, I know about the others but that is not a post for a family hour…) and let feelings and cares flow through them. Those kisses are not “hard” kisses but gentle ones, loving ones.
And ladies if you have not figured out by now how YOU lose, then I’m not sure what to tell you…
I do not know where this idiotic, counter-productive concept of “Macho” comes from but I do know it is not from real inner strength. I’ve known some truly tough, strong, powerful men in my life (and no, I’m not claiming to be one of them) but all of them were so self-assured they had no reason to prove anything to anybody. That confidence allowed them to be incredibly gentle. They had no need of posturing and display, they had no need of controlling others; that type of immature activity belongs to the cadre of the aspiring not to the company of the attained. Only the insecure person feels a need to prove themselves.
And back to the field of affection and love. If someone truly loves you, they cannot prove it by physical display, it can only be demonstrated by behavior and only the behavior that flows naturally from respecting someone, honoring someone, and being honored by their company. It is only behavior grounded in support and encouragement not the behavior grounded in a self need to control that demonstrates real affection.
So, ladies, do you know why idiotic boys, especially those boys in mens’ bodies, act like such jerks?
It is your fault.
They do it because you allow it, facilitate it, and perpetuate it with your acceptance of it and your perennial search for excuses for it. If it became clear that women were repelled by such behavior and treatment, it would change. Not overnight, to be sure, but over time.
If all of you or even most of you acted like and then demanded – and I mean truly DEMANDED – to be treated like ladies not like professional women of the street, and snubbed those jerks who kept up the tired old macho bullshit, men would slowly get the message. Slowly because they have had so many years of modeling by other jerk men and training by stupid women that went along with it because at one point in history the women may have had little choice. But now they do have a choice.
Men like to act as if THEY are in control and their physical strength may let them get away with abusive tactics for a while, but in the end, except for a few sociopaths (and psychopaths) that are emotionally crippled and will never “get” it, guys want love too. You ladies may not realize it but to a very large degree you are in the driver’s seat here.
And that is the way I was raised to think it should be. On the relationship bus, I was taught that the woman drives. Ladies, YOU get to set the ground rules; YOU get to build or tear down the walls, YOU get to make the choices of acceptable behavior… but ONLY if you demand it. As a male I can tell you there are times when that is cosmically frustrating, especially if it is not a route I would choose. But if I really care about the lady, if I truly honor and respect and care about her and her feelings, and especially if I really love her, it is how it should be.
Bottom line ladies, is this: whatever IT is that is expressed by a statement of “need” or whatever emotion a desire to “kiss you hard” may be, it is NOT about YOU… but about them.
And it sure as Hell is STILL not about love.